Day 39. Alone With My Thoughts.

Having suffered a knee injury yesterday, I find myself unable to climb or hike today. This injury is bringing up a lot of memories; there’s the memory of me being sick and being cared for by You; there’s a memory of me being injured and You going to climb without me and meeting the other guy.

I guess the word of the day is anxiety. My thoughts are racing. I wonder what You are up to now. I wonder if you are smiling and squinting Your eyes the way that made my heart melt.

I miss You so much my darling. And I still love You.

Day 38. Love In Times Of Anxiety. (Letter #7.)

Hello My Dearest,

It would seem to be my destiny to fly like a moth to the flame of Your memory. What should have been a pleasing occasion – going away for a weekend getaway in the mountains – turned into a lower level panic attack that lasted several hours. The only things on my mind were my deep feelings for You and how much I miss You. I see You in my mind’s eye always laughing or smiling. When I am hiking on a mountain, when I am walking through city streets, when I am in my car, I see You there beside me.

Throughout all of my tribulations, emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) these last several weeks, the one thing that remained constant is my love for you. I think of holding You tightly. I think of kissing Your lips and caressing Your skin. Like a migrating bird fixing onto a magnetic heading, my mind is fixed firmly upon You. Like a spawning salmon swimming against the stream, possessed by a single-minded desire, I think of You. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that goes through my mind as I fall asleep. You are my guiding star. You make me want to be a better man and it kills my very spirit that You do not want to see me get better for You do not want to see me at all. In the end, there will be no prize for me at the end of this journey. My girl will never be waiting for me to make it through. I am so utterly alone without your warm kindness by my side. I will always remember You.
And I still love You.

Day 26. Stormy Monday.

It is as stormy outside as it is in my mind. I miss Her so much. I miss Her so much. Yet I know that She will never want me but I cannoy stop thinking about Her. Every day something new reminds me of Her and I just stop in my tracks. I am stuck in the feedback loop that would make the main character in Groundhog Day run back to his vicious circle. What am I doing wrong? How do I make this torture stop?

There has got to be a better way than these constant anxiety attacks punctuated by the gut punching knots of pain and sorrow. At times, I get so worked up in this stress that my throat and chest muscles start hurting as if I had been attached to a wheel by my back and just rolled around.

I want to be able to enjoy the things I have always enjoyed but like the record player spinning an overly used vinyl, my mind’s needle keeps skipping a groove and just plays the old tune of loss over, and over, and over again. I desperately want to reach out and move the record player’s arm to the next groove, or better yet, a completely new song but I am waving my arms in the pitch black hoping to find a way out of this mess.

If only it were that easy.

Day 24. Climbing On High. (Letter #6.)

My dearest love,

Today I have made another step in trying to move on. Clearly, the road ahead of me is hard and painful. I remember how just recently we came to this same place for rock climbing. Your excited face upon having completed a route stands before my tear-filled eyes as if it happened mere seconds ago rather than months. You were scared first but You overcame your fears and I was so proud of You and happy for You.

I have loved rock climbing for years but now it does not feel the same without you by my side. The smell of chalk, the burning skin of my palms from gripping the rock, the spectacular views,

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nothing gives me pleasure anymore.

How do I forget You? How do I love again without You? How do I just start taking pleasure in things I have always loved?

Tomorrow is another day and everyone keeps telling me that very soon I am certain to meet someone who will love me as much as I would love them.

But all I want is You! All I want is your love!

Will I ever see You again? Will our lives cross paths? Will You cross to another side of the street if you see me coming?

As much as I wish to stop loving You I do not want to stop loving You. How could I not love You?

I miss You. I want You in my life. And I still love You.

Day 22. I Love You Still. (Letter #5.)

My dearest girl,

It has been over a month since you have said good-bye to me. I has a been a time of unimaginable pain and anguish for me. Yet I think of you every day. I remember your voice, the sweet smell of your long beautiful¬†hair. I remember your smile and the way your eyes would squint and shine. Our time together, despite the dark poisonous despair inside me, had been the happiest of my life and I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I look at the pictures of you. I touch the image of your beautiful face. I try in vain to wish you to call me, to talk to me, to love me…

Still, I muster on, one painfully lonely day at a time. At times, the anxiety of never seeing you again overwhelms me and I stop, breathing heavily, mind racing and fighting the inevitable conclusion that we shall never be together again. I sweat, suddenly overcome with a hot flash, my brain feeling as if it has been thrust into a volcanic furnace. Then, slowly, my breathing becomes normal but the pangs of pain, regret, and sorrow in my chest are still there and I feel drained of energy. I am powerless and tired. Tears feel my eyes and I feel dizzy. I desperately want to call you just to hear your voice but I know I cannot. I yearn for your voice, for.your lips, for your laugh, for your touch, even for a fleeting sight off you.

But nothing comes.

It will never again and that thought is killing me. I feel so lost without you by my side.

I miss you so, so much.

And I still love you.

Day 21. Control.

As members of the human species we seem to be running around trying to achieve an illusion of control over our own lives, the control that is rather illusory. We do not have control over life’s circumstances. Regardless of the newly re-found notions of visualisation and “law of attraction” (which has as much to do with any law as noble gases with nobility), any semblance of control over our lives is a delusion.

That said, we do tend to exercise a lot of control over our feelings and emotions. It is just easier to wall off against potential threats than live openly and with our emotions our in the open and not hidden. It would certainly be a healthier attitude but in the Western civilisation it is not favoured by the establishment. Rather we remain closed off to others and spend a lot of effort on trying to insulate and protect ourselves from emotional damage.

When we do fall in love, it just seems so magical because we can relax and not put up the walls in out mind. When we do give of our love, we give with a measure of relief at being able to be natural. That is why when the relationship falls apart we are so heart-broken. There is a feeling of betrayed trust. But more importantly, there’s a feeling of betrayal. Even though there might not have been one, we still tend to feel that our unspoken openness was used up by the partner and discarded like a piece of garbage…

That’s all I can write at the moment.

And I still love Her.

Standing Fast.

I’m having trouble concentrating. Although this should be a happy morning, the reality seems to be leaving a lot to be desired. I am invited to a BBQ at my old climbing partner’s and long time friend’s house. Normally free food makes me giddy but somehow today it has lost its allure. Later on I will be going to the theatre to try to get back into improv. I took time away from it for a few weeks to try to get some perspective.

There’s a maelstrom of “what if’s” and “if only’s” swirling around in my mind. I turn around onto my stomach and put the pillow under my chest for more comfort.

The time stops.

Somehow surviving the washing machine or maybe coming off something else a single strand of Her hair is laying on my bed sheets.

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My heart starts beating harder and harder and it becomes difficult to breathe and to keep typing this post. My mind is burning up with sorrow.

What do I do? I know I will not just get rid of it. I can’t!!!
What if… If only…
I don’t know anything any more.