It is unfortunate that so many people out there struggle with suicidal thoughts. But you have to remember that there are people out there who truly hate you and you would do the world a great disservice by stopping to annoy those arseholes.
What can be more poetic than watching two people fall in love dancing?
Two friends who are just friends,
Evident to everyone but themselves.
Memories of her come rushing in
Like the overwhelming emotion of “Lean On Me”
I want to lean on her but all that I hold is a ghost of a memory,
Slipping through my fingers
Like waning notes of a forgotten love song.
And so as I dance with another, you are “Always On My Mind”.
But in the silence between the songs
Your far away voice is still there.
As I am sipping my coffee and pecking at my muffin (I’m really not used to eating this early in the morning and especially being awake this bloody early on the week-end, Yours Truly is struck by a ubiquitousness of a particular setting: walk into any coffee shop/breakfast place/dîner and you are sure to see old guys in the corner. The regulars – the come in always at the same time, they flirt with the waitresses regardless of age, and they ardently discuss what is wrong with the world.
I can’t wait to get this old. For one thing the whole “sexual urges” will be over and done with and, hopefully, the memory of the EX will be buried by failing memory. Not to mention the fact that having the old talk with the guys about sports, politics, and what is going on with the neighbours would be the highlight of the day. How good is that?
As I am sitting in the tent, eating my supper, Yours Truly is considering the current situation. We had to set up an emergency camp on a mountain plateau, far from any suitable location. The plan was quite different but due to the deep and intractable snow and darkness we have been left with no choice but to sleep here and backtrack the entire trajectory thus far.
At times like these, one cannot but contemplate the vagaries of life. We had a plan; it was a good plan. But it completely desintegrated. (As the military folks are apt to point out, no plan survives contact with the enemy.)
Yours Truly also has some plans. If you have read my previous posts, you know that I am working on being a better me. It is not easy but – not unlike a shark – if I stop moving, that will be the end of the line. Eventually, the aim is to be the kind of person that would be successful in interpersonal relationships, and especially the romantic kind. So as I am biding my time in a cold tent in the middle of a mountain plateau, with high winds battering the sides of the tent, on the eve of the Ex’s birthday, I am striving to figure out how is it possible that an exceptionally bright and beautiful young woman, 13 years my junior, would show romantic interest in Yours Truly. To date, we have only gone out on a few dates (though snogging was involved) and she is amazing. She loves a lot of the same things I love and same goes for things we hate. We have a tremendous amount of things in common. And I don’t know how to react and what to do with myself. Am I still in love with the Ex? Am I ready for a relationship with someone new? Does she even want one? How do I not screw this up? This new girl – let us refer to her as T. – is by far more pleasant, far smarter, better writer, and more beautiful than the Ex. And yet I do still think about the Ex. To my credit, this does not happen as often as before and, since meeting T., the intensity of emotions has greatly declined. Will she be the one to help me out of my ennui and perhaps more? Or am investing too much, too early and am simply setting things up for a disappointment? The latter is most likely true. But I yearn for someone to hold me close and see me for who I truly am and what I can become. For now, though, I am stuck in a tent with two other guys, hundreds of miles/kilometres from home and T.
This morning I am on the road again, on the way to a rock climbing site. My ex was supposed to come with us but she cancelled this morning. Hopefully it was not because of me. I would hate to think that Yours Truly is the cause of that. As much as I do not wish to give up going climbing, I also do not wish to be the cause of someone else doing same. As the song goes, “can’t win for losing”, I guess.
Yours Truly has been unencumbered by a single creative thought for quite some time. I used to post all the time but then I got a little happier and couple of months afterwards I have gotten a lot worse and about a month ago that recurrence of misery began to subside. And throughout all that I have not been able to make myself to write consistently. What did change is that I have gotten to a place of certain uneasy peace with my feelings for my ex. I do not love her any less than before but it is somehow possible to keep going one day at a time. Does I have to be completely miserable and despondent to write?
That was what I was thinking and writing in the morning. Fast forward to the early afternoon and on my way to the theatre I discovered that some wanker broke into my vehicle and stole my rather expensive sunglasses. (Two weeks ago my bicycle was stolen as well. At this point, is it allowed to think that someone is after Yours Truly?)
Fast forward to late afternoon. My mother decided to cheer me up by telling me of her troubles that included a detailed description of my grandmother’s grave that the gardeners did not maintain very well. Great! That story was a real picker-upper.
Now, I am back at the theatre doing something I have never done before. One supposes I will have something to write about in the next few days.
Oh, hey there John Fitzgerald Kennedy. So tell me Mr. President, really, how good was Marilyn?
And once again I am going rock climbing with my group which also includes the EX today. Except that today she is with her new boyfriend. Perhaps Yours Truly has learned to better master the emotions (I have started doing yoga few weeks ago) or perhaps because all the work-related stress and pressure (things are not going well these days) have numbed my senses, but I am able to appear relaxed and friendly. Although, to be honest, I do not necessarily feel that way inside. It would seem that my lot in life is to ache for not seeing her and to hurt when I am. Buddha believed all life contains suffering and in learning to navigate that suffering is where we find joy. That seems doubtful if not outright masochistic. However, in learning to navigate the suffering that we might find a way to live with the pain in our souls and perhaps even find some peace. Namaste.
In the improv scene, it is not unusual to see already experienced improvisers taking the “back to basics” style workshops. We get so concentrated on doing big important stuff that we forget that success of the big things is dependent on doing the small things right.
It would seem that something like that of the socialising type is in order for Yours Truly. After my meltdown and all the time since then people keep saying that I need to keep doing the things that I used to do. The problem is that what I used to do was never particularly healthy in the first place. True, always going to shows, seeing people here and there, having drinks with everyone meant that leading a deceptively very social lifestyle. In reality, what that translated to was perfecting the art of being alone in a crowd of people.
So now, I am on my way to my friend’s place to learn how to spend time with one person. Let the re-education begin.