As I am sipping my coffee and pecking at my muffin (I’m really not used to eating this early in the morning and especially being awake this bloody early on the week-end, Yours Truly is struck by a ubiquitousness of a particular setting: walk into any coffee shop/breakfast place/dîner and you are sure to see old guys in the corner. The regulars – the come in always at the same time, they flirt with the waitresses regardless of age, and they ardently discuss what is wrong with the world.
I can’t wait to get this old. For one thing the whole “sexual urges” will be over and done with and, hopefully, the memory of the EX will be buried by failing memory. Not to mention the fact that having the old talk with the guys about sports, politics, and what is going on with the neighbours would be the highlight of the day. How good is that?
And once again I am going rock climbing with my group which also includes the EX today. Except that today she is with her new boyfriend. Perhaps Yours Truly has learned to better master the emotions (I have started doing yoga few weeks ago) or perhaps because all the work-related stress and pressure (things are not going well these days) have numbed my senses, but I am able to appear relaxed and friendly. Although, to be honest, I do not necessarily feel that way inside. It would seem that my lot in life is to ache for not seeing her and to hurt when I am. Buddha believed all life contains suffering and in learning to navigate that suffering is where we find joy. That seems doubtful if not outright masochistic. However, in learning to navigate the suffering that we might find a way to live with the pain in our souls and perhaps even find some peace. Namaste.
In the improv scene, it is not unusual to see already experienced improvisers taking the “back to basics” style workshops. We get so concentrated on doing big important stuff that we forget that success of the big things is dependent on doing the small things right.
It would seem that something like that of the socialising type is in order for Yours Truly. After my meltdown and all the time since then people keep saying that I need to keep doing the things that I used to do. The problem is that what I used to do was never particularly healthy in the first place. True, always going to shows, seeing people here and there, having drinks with everyone meant that leading a deceptively very social lifestyle. In reality, what that translated to was perfecting the art of being alone in a crowd of people.
So now, I am on my way to my friend’s place to learn how to spend time with one person. Let the re-education begin.
Yours Truly is so truly and incredibly fucked. I am currently trying to dig myself out of the whole I plunged into head first at work. Why? Because I am too preoccupied with my own condition. My shrinks say it is a good sign though one suspects that my employer would disagree.
The main issue in this mess, however, is that the only thing that got me to calm down today and be able to function, was to dig out the photos of my EX. The one. One suspects that my shrinks would not agree that this is a good sign.
One supposes this was bound to happen sooner or later. Yours Truly went on a date. Actually, I did go to a lunch date couple of weeks ago but that did not go anywhere. It was not really a date but rather making someone’s acquaintance. Last night though was a date. My first one this year. It went very well. The was some snogging/smooching/making out at the end and there will be another date. In fact, the snogging part was so fantastic that I did not even think about my ex for over 20 minutes afterwards!
A friend recommended that Yours Truly writes down things for which to be thankful. Today I am thankful for having a French-style lunch (yes, wine at noon) with my French friends. I could get used to this.
It has been a year. A year of pain, a year of loss, a year of darkness. But also it has been a year of learning, a year of understanding, and of daring to hope. I have made many discoveries and met some amazing people, even though it is only online. There was a lot of progress made and then I regressed again and plunged back into darkness back in March. I am starting to do better again. One day at a time, right?
Regardless, the 2014 has so far been better than 2013, even though Yours Truly is quite likely to become unemployed in the next couple of weeks at a time when it would be rather financially unfortunate. At least I am not crippled by my depression and by the sorrow of the love lost.
This blogging community and the process of blogging have helped me enormously to discover myself and make sense of my world. Despite the five month long setback, there is some sense of purpose and of a road map to better life.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more…
I have reached the point in the search for Malaysian airliner news cycle where it is starting to make me even more depressed than I normally am. If you have been reading my blog, you already know that yours truly is not a happy go lucky character. Far from it! Being a very depressed individual, it is easy to absorb depressing information because it is not making one feel worse than one already is. Not any more! Since the beginning, I have been listening to the daily reports about the search and about the relatives of the people on flight MH370. This morning BBC News Service decided to interview a young woman who was moving to Malaysia from Beijing with her father. Her father was on the ill-fated airliner coming back to Beijing to finalise the moving arrangements. And I just could not take it any more and switched the station. Surprisingly enough for yours truly, I have attained the point of misery saturation. The good news is that before my meltdown last August listening to more and more MH370 news coverage would not have affected me. Not being able to absorb additional misery speaks to the fact that yours truly is getting better and – dare I say it? – happier.
Avoiding additional informational input is a good way to insulate self from misery. However, when that is not enough and you feel the blues deep in your soul, listening to Warren Haynes’ song “Soulshine” usually gives my soul a lift and leaves me feeling a bit more hopeful than before. So, enjoy!
Sometimes being a thoughtful person just plain sucks. Remembering dates is a good thing in a relationship but when that relationship ends those same memories become a burden.
A year ago today was my first date with my ex. She has been on my mind again quite a lot lately. I have moved on but I am still a long way away from getting over her. In fact, those pesky memories have played a rather cruel trick on me a couple of weeks ago.
In the meantime, between the missing Malaysian airliner and the fun in Ukraine, I am not sure it is worth it to get out of bed in the morning. No, wait… I still have to work for a living. Damn the reality!
I really have been quite undisciplined about writing and that needs to change. In the meantime, here are a couple of random observations on how not to lead one’s life.
Observation 1. There are those storytelling shows that are en vogue these days and a thought occurred in my head that it would be fun to do something like that. Except, as I came to realise, the way Yours Truly has led his life is by not participating in it. So something would be happening and instead of living it up I would just scamper away sideways, like a frightened crab, and be all “Oh, no! That seems like fun. I’ll be over there. By myself.” Not a proper way to experience life, is all I’m saying.
Let me preface this by saying that this one is being done quite a lot by all kinds of people. There is a large number of individuals who believe that they need to be true to themselves and being true to themselves basically boils down to being an annoying prick. Personally, I would be in a state of preemptive warfare against the society at large and my attitude towards others would be to behave like a sarcastic arsehole, spewing my verbal shit on everyone and everything. I know: a pretty picture it is not. And my thought process would be: “Hey, I’m just going to piss you off before we get close and you hurt me. And also, if you still stick around then you really see me for who I am and that means you are a really special person worth my time if you can see through all the shit I will be pouring down on you for a while.” Again, terribly sorry for the image. But the important thing here is: who in their right mind does this? We certainly do not consider doing this in other situations but when it comes to human relationships that can be a norm. Can you imagine a chef making an exquisite dish with some spectacular ingredients like saffron and other stuff I cannot begin to imagine and then spreading some mixing in some shit (yeah, I might as well stay with that metaphor and ride it all the way), thinking that only the true foodies will appreciate this gem of the dish being able to taste this delight through all the crap. That too is also a horrible way to go through life.
I guess what this post is attempting to convey is do not be afraid to live your life and do not be an arse. Which might sound like a way of saying “Neither a borrower nor a lender be” but while it is important “to thine own self [to] be true” one needs to engage in life and not stay detached from others. Kurt Vonnegut was right about Polonius giving bad advice. Yours Truly, on the other hand, is a fount of encouragement.
P. S. You probably thought it was going to be all poop references but instead I looped it up to Shakespeare. You’re welcome!