Day 26. Stormy Monday.

It is as stormy outside as it is in my mind. I miss Her so much. I miss Her so much. Yet I know that She will never want me but I cannoy stop thinking about Her. Every day something new reminds me of Her and I just stop in my tracks. I am stuck in the feedback loop that would make the main character in Groundhog Day run back to his vicious circle. What am I doing wrong? How do I make this torture stop?

There has got to be a better way than these constant anxiety attacks punctuated by the gut punching knots of pain and sorrow. At times, I get so worked up in this stress that my throat and chest muscles start hurting as if I had been attached to a wheel by my back and just rolled around.

I want to be able to enjoy the things I have always enjoyed but like the record player spinning an overly used vinyl, my mind’s needle keeps skipping a groove and just plays the old tune of loss over, and over, and over again. I desperately want to reach out and move the record player’s arm to the next groove, or better yet, a completely new song but I am waving my arms in the pitch black hoping to find a way out of this mess.

If only it were that easy.