In the words of my mind technician I am in a perpetual state of preemptive warfare. This defence mechanism, however, is a double-edged sword without a hilt. While it protects me against people disappointing me, it does absolutely nothing in terms of getting people to actually like me. Shocking, I know!
For the longest time, loneliness has been my only companion. The only person who has been able to cut through that was Her. And now She’s gone. Gone forever and I feel the loss not only of what couples normally have but also of what I never had and never knew that I wanted or could even have. She gave me so much more that I could ever have hoped for and than She left and took it all with Her.
I can never unlearn what I discovered. I cannot go back to the way I was. I feel so lost without Her.
And I still love Her.
My dearest girl,
It has been over a month since you have said good-bye to me. I has a been a time of unimaginable pain and anguish for me. Yet I think of you every day. I remember your voice, the sweet smell of your long beautiful hair. I remember your smile and the way your eyes would squint and shine. Our time together, despite the dark poisonous despair inside me, had been the happiest of my life and I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I look at the pictures of you. I touch the image of your beautiful face. I try in vain to wish you to call me, to talk to me, to love me…
Still, I muster on, one painfully lonely day at a time. At times, the anxiety of never seeing you again overwhelms me and I stop, breathing heavily, mind racing and fighting the inevitable conclusion that we shall never be together again. I sweat, suddenly overcome with a hot flash, my brain feeling as if it has been thrust into a volcanic furnace. Then, slowly, my breathing becomes normal but the pangs of pain, regret, and sorrow in my chest are still there and I feel drained of energy. I am powerless and tired. Tears feel my eyes and I feel dizzy. I desperately want to call you just to hear your voice but I know I cannot. I yearn for your voice, for.your lips, for your laugh, for your touch, even for a fleeting sight off you.
But nothing comes.
It will never again and that thought is killing me. I feel so lost without you by my side.
I miss you so, so much.
And I still love you.