I really have been quite undisciplined about writing and that needs to change. In the meantime, here are a couple of random observations on how not to lead one’s life.
Observation 1. There are those storytelling shows that are en vogue these days and a thought occurred in my head that it would be fun to do something like that. Except, as I came to realise, the way Yours Truly has led his life is by not participating in it. So something would be happening and instead of living it up I would just scamper away sideways, like a frightened crab, and be all “Oh, no! That seems like fun. I’ll be over there. By myself.” Not a proper way to experience life, is all I’m saying.
Let me preface this by saying that this one is being done quite a lot by all kinds of people. There is a large number of individuals who believe that they need to be true to themselves and being true to themselves basically boils down to being an annoying prick. Personally, I would be in a state of preemptive warfare against the society at large and my attitude towards others would be to behave like a sarcastic arsehole, spewing my verbal shit on everyone and everything. I know: a pretty picture it is not. And my thought process would be: “Hey, I’m just going to piss you off before we get close and you hurt me. And also, if you still stick around then you really see me for who I am and that means you are a really special person worth my time if you can see through all the shit I will be pouring down on you for a while.” Again, terribly sorry for the image. But the important thing here is: who in their right mind does this? We certainly do not consider doing this in other situations but when it comes to human relationships that can be a norm. Can you imagine a chef making an exquisite dish with some spectacular ingredients like saffron and other stuff I cannot begin to imagine and then spreading some mixing in some shit (yeah, I might as well stay with that metaphor and ride it all the way), thinking that only the true foodies will appreciate this gem of the dish being able to taste this delight through all the crap. That too is also a horrible way to go through life.
I guess what this post is attempting to convey is do not be afraid to live your life and do not be an arse. Which might sound like a way of saying “Neither a borrower nor a lender be” but while it is important “to thine own self [to] be true” one needs to engage in life and not stay detached from others. Kurt Vonnegut was right about Polonius giving bad advice. Yours Truly, on the other hand, is a fount of encouragement.
P. S. You probably thought it was going to be all poop references but instead I looped it up to Shakespeare. You’re welcome!
This post is being published under the category “Road To Recovery.” I am, in fact, actually on the road. This is a long trip and I am super nervous about this holiday and how this is going to unfold.
Last night some stuff went down involving my Ex (we still have not spoken but there was a really intense message exchange) and I am feeling better about myself and about not being with her. For the first time since our breakup I am starting to feel that things are going to be alright. I am feeling free. There is that to be Thankful for. (There will be another post on that in several days when I get back.)
But for now, this is all about this dream challenge of mine coming straight at Yours Truly. I am on my way to go ice climbing on Mt Washington in New Hampshire. This is not my first visit to the Presidential Range but this is my first trip to Mt Washington. I have definitely overpacked and will need to repack once we arrive there. We will be spending three days and two nights on the mountain itself. I got ice tools, walking ice axe, crampons, REALLY warm sleeping bag, and ton of shit that I do not need but that makes me feel better.
I am quiet excited. I have been ice climbing for several years but this is my first mountaneering ascent. And I am starting with Mt Washington. As the saying goes “Go big or go home.” I am going BIG.
I could not have gotten here without the amazing support of the WordPress community. Some of you have chosen to honour me with awards for my blog and I promise to get to writing about that very soon. You guys are my rock and my sun. When I was down, you picked me up and carried me in the palm of your hand even as you all were dealing with your pains and your hurts. Even as you all have been struggling with darkness, you had time and grace to talk to me and care for me. I would love to do more for all of you. I love all of You, my dear readers and I look forward to doing more for You.
Oh, boy. 30 days in. If I had been trying to stay sober, I would be getting a chip. Instead I get to think about how depressed I still am. There is no achievement, no medal, no badge of honour. I just get to carry on being a miserable fuck.
There is a certain calm in knowing exactly the way things stand and I have done a somewhat decent job of admitting there is a problem and being open about my feelings. Except that tonight I am going to have to act the hell out of pretending that I am happy and riding high. First, I get to host a show and then I am supposed to improvise in one. To say that feelings of anxiousness, misery and fears of inadequacy are rather overwhelming at the moment would be an understatement of the century. The good thing is that I get to warm up and get in the mood by hosting an earlier show and also because this is theatre. I do not have to be funny but I do have to do a good job of building the story. I suppose it is the same in life.
Let us hope that I do not fuck up either.
As members of the human species we seem to be running around trying to achieve an illusion of control over our own lives, the control that is rather illusory. We do not have control over life’s circumstances. Regardless of the newly re-found notions of visualisation and “law of attraction” (which has as much to do with any law as noble gases with nobility), any semblance of control over our lives is a delusion.
That said, we do tend to exercise a lot of control over our feelings and emotions. It is just easier to wall off against potential threats than live openly and with our emotions our in the open and not hidden. It would certainly be a healthier attitude but in the Western civilisation it is not favoured by the establishment. Rather we remain closed off to others and spend a lot of effort on trying to insulate and protect ourselves from emotional damage.
When we do fall in love, it just seems so magical because we can relax and not put up the walls in out mind. When we do give of our love, we give with a measure of relief at being able to be natural. That is why when the relationship falls apart we are so heart-broken. There is a feeling of betrayed trust. But more importantly, there’s a feeling of betrayal. Even though there might not have been one, we still tend to feel that our unspoken openness was used up by the partner and discarded like a piece of garbage…
That’s all I can write at the moment.
And I still love Her.
The last two weeks have been an emotional whirlwind. I managed to take time off work to deal with everything that was going on but the “vacation” (holiday for the British readers) is over and I am back in my office day job, the bill-paying kind.
Needless to say that my anxiety level is pretty high but that normally that is the nature of my occupation at the best of time. What makes this worse is that over the past few weeks I have completely fallen apart and became an emotional mess.
What makes it better is the fact that I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I have worried myself out. Plus, there is not so much as hope but rather a direction I am moving in instead of just flapping helplessly in the winds of change.
Today us also my second appointment with the head doc.
I’m hoping that I will be able to get in the groove of things and get my mind of the heartbreak. Of course the danger in that is that I will just start avoiding things like before. And that has me worried.
I feel also that in my current condition it will be impossible to hide what is going on with me from my colleagues and bosses for long. *THAT* should make for an interesting conversation!
On the interesting note, my boss has me investigating blogging for our company website. At least on that front I am already all set.