It feels like I’m thousand years old. Can barely type due to tendinitis in my right wrist. Can barely walk due to a knee injury from the weekend’s hike. Can’t turn my head to the right because a nerve is pinched or the muscle is inflamed (or something entirely different is going on) in my neck.
Having trouble typing due to tendinitis flareup. Last time I had this problem I lost the love of my life. What’s in store for me now?
What does one do to stem the tide of emotional pain? How does one stop the unrequited love from tearing one’s soul apart?
Seriously, I am asking…
Having suffered a knee injury yesterday, I find myself unable to climb or hike today. This injury is bringing up a lot of memories; there’s the memory of me being sick and being cared for by You; there’s a memory of me being injured and You going to climb without me and meeting the other guy.
I guess the word of the day is anxiety. My thoughts are racing. I wonder what You are up to now. I wonder if you are smiling and squinting Your eyes the way that made my heart melt.
I miss You so much my darling. And I still love You.
Hello My Dearest,
It would seem to be my destiny to fly like a moth to the flame of Your memory. What should have been a pleasing occasion – going away for a weekend getaway in the mountains – turned into a lower level panic attack that lasted several hours. The only things on my mind were my deep feelings for You and how much I miss You. I see You in my mind’s eye always laughing or smiling. When I am hiking on a mountain, when I am walking through city streets, when I am in my car, I see You there beside me.
Throughout all of my tribulations, emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) these last several weeks, the one thing that remained constant is my love for you. I think of holding You tightly. I think of kissing Your lips and caressing Your skin. Like a migrating bird fixing onto a magnetic heading, my mind is fixed firmly upon You. Like a spawning salmon swimming against the stream, possessed by a single-minded desire, I think of You. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that goes through my mind as I fall asleep. You are my guiding star. You make me want to be a better man and it kills my very spirit that You do not want to see me get better for You do not want to see me at all. In the end, there will be no prize for me at the end of this journey. My girl will never be waiting for me to make it through. I am so utterly alone without your warm kindness by my side. I will always remember You.
And I still love You.
Ok, I’m doing it. I’m heading off to the mountains for the weekend. This will likely be my last post until Sunday night.
See you all on the flip side.
So this was a weird day. Not that anything weird happened. In fact, quite the contrary: my telco has finally relented and I got a new phone to replace the one that has been falling apart for some time AND I got a much better plan.
Then, I spent the rest of the evening in great company playing the Werewolf game.
So why don’t I feel great? Why do I feel like something horrible is about to happen?
First things first, let me get this out of the way: tomorrow morning I am supposed to pitch over the phone (not my strongest suit) a long-form narrative improv show for some sort of a Jewish festival. The organisers want an improv show that is interactive and based on classic Jewish stories. So some time between now and tomorrow morning I have got to figure out what the heck is a classic Jewish story.
Now, let’s move on to what has been on my mind today. A talented young standup comedian friend of mine wrote on Facebook asking what does one do if one has nothing to talk or write about. My suggestion was to write about stuff he does not want to talk about. As cathartic as writing this blog has been for me, I have not felt the ability to share my less appealing side. One can suppose that this is largely because I have two psychologists telling me to concentrate on the positive and not dwell on the negative. However, I believe I should discuss all of me here. Over the next few days this will be at the top of my thoughts.
I am supposed to be leaving to spend this weekend in the mountains. It is highly unlikely that I will be able to update my blog, thus breaking my pledge of publishing one post per day. Nevertheless, I shall strive to still write the posts even if I will not be able to upload them until getting back to civilisation.
My main hope that I will be able to maintain the following order of cognitive priorities:
1. safety in the mountains;
2. writing about what I do not want to talk about;
3. my beloved (not voluntary).
The reality though is that #3 has the tendency to displace everything else.
(This article got started independently of today’s Daily Prompt but it fits nicely with the theme.)
This morning, as I was talking to my Mind Technician (that is how he likes to think of himself), he said something that made me sit back and go:
We were discussing my established patterns of thinking negatively. In the cognitive behavioural therapy, there is a thing called “cognitive distortions.” These are perverted cognitive processes that negatively distort the thinking. There are 10 of those buggers though my “go to favourites” seem to be Overgeneralisation (viewing a negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat) and Emotional Reasoning (assuming that negative emotions necessarily reflect the reality: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”). So basically whenever something bad or negative happens, I start cursing and putting down myself for all sorts of things. In fact, I sometimes manage to do this when something positive happens if I find that I did not do well enough. So the doc suggested that I do not automatically trust my thinking since it seems to be so negatively predisposed against myself.
That set off a minor inner explosion. This is precisely what has been plaguing my improv performances. I need to stop thinking or relying on my ideas for scenes because my thinking has been damaged by years of self-neglect and self-hate. And nobody wants to see that on stage! So for the next while what I need to do instead is go in with an emotional choice rather than a cognitive one. Maybe even pair it with a statement (e.g., “Oranges are awesome!”) and figure out the rest along the way and trust my scene partners to support me. (Improvisation – what a concept!) There is nothing inherently wrong with making a cognitive choice for a scene (e.g., “Three rabbits are discussing forest gossip”) but, for the moment, it is not the right way for me. Thinking triggers more thinking and in my case it is all negative.
In my recent post on getting back into improv, I have discussed getting bogged down in my mind and forgetting one of the cardinal rules of improv: play and have fun. I need to get back to being playful and emotional. Also, in my case, I should probably stick to positive emotions for awhile. Not too long ago, Joe Friedman (thetalkingtherapist) commented on my post Being Funny saying that I might not be funny for awhile but that I might get deeper. Let us hope so. The reason audiences care about the characters on stage is because they connect with them. If I manage to become more emotionally moving on stage, that can only improve the overall experience for the spectators and for myself and maybe help me discover more of my true self through that experience.
For the first time in quite some time, there is actually something to look forward to in my life.
The feeling that something is going wrong has been really quite persistent as of late. I feel that I am settling back in my old way of being and thinking.
This needs to be further explored. However, all I can think about is Her and how I still love Her.
It is as if the two problems (preexisting depression and heartbreak) are keeping me stuck in one place and each is not letting me get past the other. Not sure what to do at this stage…