Day 45. Getting Better Or Just Numb?

Today is a full day for me. Sort of. First I went to do a photo walk with some local amateur photographers that I have never met. Normally I would be trembling with anxiety but it seems that the events of the last two months have made me somewhat numb to extremes of my internal emotional roller coaster. There is just no gasoline left misery tank, perhaps? Or it is possible that I am actually getting better? Probably not. There hasn’t been enough time for that to happen. In fact, the likelihood is my brain is trying to trick me into thinking that everything is going well just so that I do not go any further in my therapy. After the initial excitement of getting professional help has dampened and I talked out my grievances of the unfairness of the universe, the real hard work needs to be done and I am not looking forward to that. I feel apprehensive and embarrassed; I wish to get some sort of validation and I am terrified to find out the worst about myself. As much as I understand that it was my fault my relationship has ended, I am horrified to have it confirmed by an impartial third party. I have waisted years of my life by not getting help earlier and have settled into this self-pity, angry at the universe kind of lifestyle. So what if I wake up every morning thinking that I hate my life and myself. At least I know where I stand. This therapy and self-discovery thing is too new and I do not have any clue as to where it leads.

One thing I do know is that even though I wish I did not, I still love Her.