I am OK.
I breathe easy.
What’s done is done and it is in the past.
This is a temporary feeling and it is passing.
On the advice of my mind technician, I am supposed to repeat this mantra every time I have an anxiety attack. So far they (the mantra repetitions) work on the physiological level. My heartbeat slows down and gets back to normal but the emotional darkness remains. Though the attack has passed, the thoughts that triggered it are still weighing heavily upon my soul. My soul yearns for You, my darling. It wants to tear out of my chest and fly to You! I have been away from You for over two months and the pain of our separation is just as unbearable now as it was then. Everyone is telling me to move on and to find someone new but as much I try to look at other women, none compare to You. How can I move on if that means letting go of Your memory?
I am not ready. And I still love You.
On the advice of my mind technician I have tried some mindful relaxation during lunch break. Thank fully the weather is nice and I went to sit in my car and listen to the sounds of wind while trying to repeat a mantra that is supposed to quiet my worried mind.
This is harder than I remember it being when I was younger. Granted my mind has been far more perturbed lately and in my younger days (prior to being diagnosed with ADHD and discovering Methylphenidate) I spent a lot of time shutting and locking down my emotions. Still though, this is ging to be far harder than I initially assumed.
The thoughts that plagued me the most were the self-aggrandising daydreaming kind and the ones about Her. I guess no matter how much I am trying to gain some emotional peace, the memories of Her haunt my every thought for I do still love Her.
Well, this is no good. Between the pain in the wrist and in my blogging thumbs and just generally feeling sick, I have completely forgot about blogging.
To be honest though, I have been feeling a bit better lately and as usual I deluded myself into thinking that I am better.
But I’m not. In the past, I have tended to latch onto an idea or a goal that would get me feeling excited and optimistic. And I would latch onto it with the thinking that it would make everything better because the problem was outside of myself rather than inside of me.
I have got to stop doing that!
I need to work on getting myself better. I have to work on changing my patterns of negative and defeatist thinking. Otherwise, I will not get healthy and will continue to carry this pain inside.
One of the reasons I am so fucked up right now is because I have thought of my last relationship the same way as I did about my other obsessions: this will make everything right. So when She left me, the sense of loss of my greatest love was perversely intertwined with the sense of loss of my better self. Even though that was never the case – that relationship, nor any other relationship, would have “cured” me – I still can’t help but mourn the loss of that future.
And regardless of everything else, I still love Her and think of Her constantly.
This morning my mind treated me to another panic attack. Like a broken record my mind goes back to my emotional wound and starts picking on it. I had to run to the bathroom out of sight of my colleagues. Why did I have to fall in love?
Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not confused in my feelings that preoccupy me the most. I am in love. I am in love with someone who does not want me. Someone who asked me not to contact her ever again. I know what I want the most. And that is something I can never have.
What I am not so clear about is where to go from here. How am I supposed to live if the one person I want to live for does not care if I live or die?
I miss her but I know I will never hold her in my arms again.
Why did I have to fall in love?
Some days are better, some are worse. Today is a bad one. There is a lot of anxiety, and stress, and sadness. This is one of those days when I feel Her absence stronger than most days. If only I could hear Her voice reassuring me that everything is going to be OK… Alas, as I am freaking out in my room, all there is is a ringing silence.
I also feel that I desperately need a drink. I’m hoping to be able to resist. Trying to kill this pain with booze is a road that leads to way worse shit than I already am in up to my neck.
As stupid and unhealthy as it is, I can not not think about Her and tell myself that She won’t be there when I come through. I need Her!
Fuck this shit!!!
It is as stormy outside as it is in my mind. I miss Her so much. I miss Her so much. Yet I know that She will never want me but I cannoy stop thinking about Her. Every day something new reminds me of Her and I just stop in my tracks. I am stuck in the feedback loop that would make the main character in Groundhog Day run back to his vicious circle. What am I doing wrong? How do I make this torture stop?
There has got to be a better way than these constant anxiety attacks punctuated by the gut punching knots of pain and sorrow. At times, I get so worked up in this stress that my throat and chest muscles start hurting as if I had been attached to a wheel by my back and just rolled around.
I want to be able to enjoy the things I have always enjoyed but like the record player spinning an overly used vinyl, my mind’s needle keeps skipping a groove and just plays the old tune of loss over, and over, and over again. I desperately want to reach out and move the record player’s arm to the next groove, or better yet, a completely new song but I am waving my arms in the pitch black hoping to find a way out of this mess.
If only it were that easy.
My dearest love,
Today I have made another step in trying to move on. Clearly, the road ahead of me is hard and painful. I remember how just recently we came to this same place for rock climbing. Your excited face upon having completed a route stands before my tear-filled eyes as if it happened mere seconds ago rather than months. You were scared first but You overcame your fears and I was so proud of You and happy for You.
I have loved rock climbing for years but now it does not feel the same without you by my side. The smell of chalk, the burning skin of my palms from gripping the rock, the spectacular views,
nothing gives me pleasure anymore.
How do I forget You? How do I love again without You? How do I just start taking pleasure in things I have always loved?
Tomorrow is another day and everyone keeps telling me that very soon I am certain to meet someone who will love me as much as I would love them.
But all I want is You! All I want is your love!
Will I ever see You again? Will our lives cross paths? Will You cross to another side of the street if you see me coming?
As much as I wish to stop loving You I do not want to stop loving You. How could I not love You?
I miss You. I want You in my life. And I still love You.
My dearest girl,
It has been over a month since you have said good-bye to me. I has a been a time of unimaginable pain and anguish for me. Yet I think of you every day. I remember your voice, the sweet smell of your long beautiful hair. I remember your smile and the way your eyes would squint and shine. Our time together, despite the dark poisonous despair inside me, had been the happiest of my life and I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I look at the pictures of you. I touch the image of your beautiful face. I try in vain to wish you to call me, to talk to me, to love me…
Still, I muster on, one painfully lonely day at a time. At times, the anxiety of never seeing you again overwhelms me and I stop, breathing heavily, mind racing and fighting the inevitable conclusion that we shall never be together again. I sweat, suddenly overcome with a hot flash, my brain feeling as if it has been thrust into a volcanic furnace. Then, slowly, my breathing becomes normal but the pangs of pain, regret, and sorrow in my chest are still there and I feel drained of energy. I am powerless and tired. Tears feel my eyes and I feel dizzy. I desperately want to call you just to hear your voice but I know I cannot. I yearn for your voice, for.your lips, for your laugh, for your touch, even for a fleeting sight off you.
But nothing comes.
It will never again and that thought is killing me. I feel so lost without you by my side.
I miss you so, so much.
And I still love you.