Love Letter #8. The Final Cut.

Dear I.,

Happy birthday! I realise that in Your response to me to my message following our breakup, You have told me to stay away and not contact You. For the last four months I have done just that and, unless at some future date both of are able and willing to change that status quo, will continue to honour Your wish, save for this one occasion of your 29th birthday.

If You have not by now, shortly You will receive a gift that I had posted to you few days ago from a store in the Dominican Republic. I remember Your preference for colour blue and wooden jewellery. Add to that the colour of Your eyes and I think the Dominican blue-green amber would fit You quite nicely.

It is my sincerest hope that You will accept that gift in the spirit that it is given. It pains me deeply to know that our post-breakup communication has caused You to be so incredibly angry with me so as to cut off all lines of communication. Please believe me when I say that it was never my intention to upset You or cause You pain or discomfort, nor do I wish that Your last memory of me be such a negative one. For the all too short a time that we were together, You have given me such happiness and a feeling of peace. You have made me believe that my life needs not be one of misery and despair. You gave me hope when I had none, nor knew what one felt like. And for that I will be eternally grateful to You.

Goodbye (perhaps?), I. I miss You dearly.

Love,
YT.

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New Beginnings?

This post is being published under the category “Road To Recovery.” I am, in fact, actually on the road. This is a long trip and I am super nervous about this holiday and how this is going to unfold.

Last night some stuff went down involving my Ex (we still have not spoken but there was a really intense message exchange) and I am feeling better about myself and about not being with her. For the first time since our breakup I am starting to feel that things are going to be alright. I am feeling free. There is that to be Thankful for. (There will be another post on that in several days when I get back.)

But for now, this is all about this dream challenge of mine coming straight at Yours Truly. I am on my way to go ice climbing on Mt Washington in New Hampshire. This is not my first visit to the Presidential Range but this is my first trip to Mt Washington. I have definitely overpacked and will need to repack once we arrive there. We will be spending three days and two nights on the mountain itself. I got ice tools, walking ice axe, crampons, REALLY warm sleeping bag, and ton of shit that I do not need but that makes me feel better.

I am quiet excited. I have been ice climbing for several years but this is my first mountaneering ascent. And I am starting with Mt Washington. As the saying goes “Go big or go home.” I am going BIG.

I could not have gotten here without the amazing support of the WordPress community. Some of you have chosen to honour me with awards for my blog and I promise to get to writing about that very soon. You guys are my rock and my sun. When I was down, you picked me up and carried me in the palm of your hand even as you all were dealing with your pains and your hurts. Even as you all have been struggling with darkness, you had time and grace to talk to me and care for me. I would love to do more for all of you. I love all of You, my dear readers and I look forward to doing more for You.

All The Difference.

It is helpful to be able to express my feelings and share them immediately. This community has been very supportive and inspiring. More so than many realise.

The way I personally chose to go about blogging is to do it as anonymously as possible. It gives me freedom to be as honest and open as possible without fear of judgement spilling into my offline world.

This right here, is – for me – the difference between putting down in writing my inner struggles and being too dead to do so.

Regrets.

The weekend before last, I wrote about feeling lost because She has unfollowed and blocked me on Instagram. Yesterday, I believe it became clear-er why she did that. From some things that were said here and there, it would seem that she was rather upset seeing me relaxing with my friends and playing Cards Against Humanity enough that She, being impulsive, decided to take that out of her feed. Apparently, She misses hanging out and having fun with me. Well… Isn’t that something 7

I Do Not Look For Trouble. I Know Exactly Where It Is At All Times.

This has the potential to be the worst possible idea I have ever come up with or ever will. This week is Her Birthday. While we were together, I had been really looking forward to spoiling Her on that day with anything that she would want. Except that we are not together anymore.

One thing that has really pained me and that I cannot come to terms with is how angry and disgusted She was with me at our last conversation. I cannot move past it. I keep wondering: is she still angry? Did she completely forget me? Does she hate me?

So, I have decided to buy Her a birthday gift. Since she likes the colour blue and her eyes are green and she likes jewellery made from wood, I have decided to buy Her a pendant made from Dominican blue amber. It is not actually completely blue but rather appears to be blue or blue-green under certain conditions. Were it not for the fact that we are no longer together, this could be considered a romantic gift. It is certainly not cheap.

I do not know how She will react. She might freak out or She might decide to take it in the spirit that it is given. I truly hope it is the latter rather than the former. Either way, after this I will have known that I have done everything possible to be nice, respectful, and loving to Her.

Tinder.

My heartbeat is racing, blood is pumping through my veins, and my hands are numb and trembling. My vision gets blurry because of…

Flashback to earlier this morning.

So this new evolution of meeting people online is the most interesting but, in a way, also the most disturbing. Couple of days ago, my roommate has introduced me to an app called Tinder. It works in conjunction with a Facebook account by getting photos, friends list, and interests. You can see that information from the other people in the app who are geographically close to you. The rest is basically “hot or not” type of thing. The people who marked each other as interesting can chat. In the “old” days,  you start talking to someone online and you don’t know if you have friends in common, if the interests specified are the real ones or just for show. This thing is like BAM! there you are.

Then again, some interests are just weird. “Oh look! We both like “name of local hardware chain of stores“.” When did I “like” it on Facebook? Why? Is that enough to form a meaningful relationship?

The thing is, I do love that chain. I was there twice just this week. But what hardware or automotive spell was I under to actually go and click the “Like” button on Facebook?

Not looking like George Clooney, nor even Daniel Craig, I do not get marked as “yes” a whole lot. Some ladies did and some of them matched with me saying “yes” in their regard. I started talking to this girl. This one girl who does want to talk to me is not only of the same nationality as the one that broke my heart but also has the same first name. Just my luck, I guess. We chat and then I feel stuck in the conversation and do not have anything to say.

Wow. I’m an adult. My friends tell me I’m an interesting guy with cool stuff going on in my life. However, I guess due to the nature of this app, I feel kinda weird. We do have a Facebook friend in common. Is that good? Is that bad? Who knows. I finally manage to ask her out for coffee. We shall see how it will turn out.

I keep playing with the app. And then I come across Her picture. Cue the freakout. My heartbeat is racing, blood is pumping through my veins, and my hands are numb and trembling. My vision gets blurry because of tears that fill my eyes. There is no way in hell that if She ever comes across my profile She would say “yes.” I mark Her as “yes” anyway and Her likeness immediately disappears from the screen.

She is gone again. And I still love Her.

Failure.

Arguably, it was a good night. I was in a show that went really well. I came up with a few characters that enhanced the show. I played the characters that made people laugh.

And yet, all my choices were safe ones. I did not push myself. I did not live up to the spirit of improv. I felt so ashamed after the show (because I know how much everyone else pushed themselves), I could not even bring myself to stay for the following show and to go for drinks afterwards.

Anger.

I feel it beginning as a cold furnace, brighter and colder than anything I have ever experienced. Its genesis is in the vast emptiness of my core, made hollow by the everpresent anger, and sorrow, and regret.

That little anger. That sniggering little anger. It is always there, as it has been for most of my pitiful existence. That little asshole in my head that kept whispering to me that since I’m miserable everyone around me should feel “the cold reality of the world” as well.

But now it is different. It arises like a cold blue fire, eviscerating everything in its path, boreing up through the follicles, the roots of my hairs that are being slowly turned ashen. It is now burning stronger than ever, setting my very mind on fire to the point where its fury replaces all other obsessions – great in the number though they may be. Like a vicious circle and the self fulfilling prophecy, it feeds itself at the expense of all shreds of humanity that are reduced to nothing but mere kindling. Slowly stripping away all humanity, compassion, empathy — they are rippling and fading in the cold fury of Anger, hissing impotently as if they are being taken from me by the runaway train of my own unwilling creation, a Frankenstein’s creature, come Vishnu the destroyer, the destroyer of my inner peace.

So what does it all mean? Shall it ever stop? Or rather more importantly, shall it stop before annihilating my very essence, my culture, my civility, my capacity for love? Will I ever be able to love again? Would that I even want to?