Confusion.

I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams

When Genesis wrote this song they were not talking about my situation. But in many ways it still applies. I have been living in the Land of Confusion for the past 6? 7? 8 months? Considering how things turned out I have clearly been the one in the dark since before the breakup. Since the breakup though, I have really understood what it means to live through those thousand dreams and million screams. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes. Other times, it hits me like a tank during the days. I want to scream so hard that my vocal cords are ripped out by the force of the escaping air. There does not seem to be an end to this despair. I know there are others struggling with the same questions but it makes not my burden any less crushing.

And not much love to go round
Can’t you see
This is a land of confusion.

In this case, my problem is quite the opposite: there is way too much love. It fills me to the brink and it has nowhere to go for She is not with me. I think of Her and my eyes fill with tears. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Bullshit! How could that possibly be true?! How could that pain be worth anything?! How could running out of the office to escape in the bathroom and collapse on the floor hyperventilating and crying be worth anything?!

The refrain of the song represents which direction I need to choose. Though lacking in ability to see where to go, or the strength to continue for much longer, or the belief that the world without Her is not the one worth living in, let’s hope that one day I will be able to get better.

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we’re given
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

Amen to that.

Adrift.

It was a good night. A bunch of friends came over to spend time with me and play Cards Against Humanity – a favourite of Yours Truly. Over the course of the night, as I was posting an occasional picture to Instagram, the number of my followers has gone down. It was clear right away but I looked anyway. Following each other on Instagram was our last, however tenuous, link to each other. This is it. I expected it to happen sooner or later but now that it did I cannot stop thinking about it. Why? Why now? Although I am fairly active, there was very rarely anything from her in my feed. We were not commenting nor “liking” each other’s photos. Why? I know the answer but it hurts too much to even consider it. This was our last link – my last lifeline. I am now adrift and powerless. And I still love Her.