Last night I was made to feel old and creepy. Not on purpose though, so there is that… Feeling confident, I was chatting up a girl at a bar and happened to have mentioned seeing a particular concert back in 2006. She responded by having mentioned that she was in primary school back in 2006. Mike drop.
The great non-alcoholic experiment continues. While I took a one day break on Saturday due to various celebrations, I am continuing to learn how to deal with social situations without embibing alcohol. It is entirely too weird a feeling. However, if I am to be able to overcome my issues, it is imperative to learn how to deal with my social anxiety.
Ironically enough though, I am about to go buy a bottle of wine. As a gift!
Today’s Daily Prompt is Perseverance. How do I some up the entirety of this blog in one post? This journey has so far been all about facing the most challenging period of my life.
I have faced it and I am still here, still fighting.
It is hard to remember sometimes (most of the time) that there are people in this world that like me and that are happy to see me. There are not a great many of them due to my natural propensity to be a miserable prick but I am working on learning to like myself. (That is something that came up in therapy a couple of sessions ago.) The idea being that being able to like myself will show others that I am a person worth their friendship.
In the meantime, I am practicing being that person, meaning that I am faking it. Regardless of how far I have come, Yours Truly is still mainly the same person. So until I can “know” that I am better than I think I am (that is a lot of “I’s”!), there is this practice period of pretending to know that I am a person I actually am. It is complicated. My mind technician assures me that it makes sense.
That noise – you know the one – the general din of a group of people in a bar, the sound of billiards balls hitting each other, the white noise of a sport event on the big screen. And over it all the inner voice reminding of all the reasons why I should leave and go home. So here I am – procrastinating – instead of going to the birthday party for my friends because social occasions still cause me tremendous anxiety and feeling of pointlessness because the future old me does not believe to be the person worth anyone’s company.
Oh, well. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.”
I am at a Christmas party of a local climbing and mountaneering group that I have recently joined. There are exactly zero familiar faces here. One senses this is going to be a rather anxiety filled evening since I am still not drinking.
My mind technician asked me where I wanted to be (emotionally and psychologically speaking) one to two years from now. It is an easy answer. My primary goal is if my name comes up in a conversation, I want people to think “That guy – he’s a pleasure to be around” instead of “That guy – he’s a sarcastic dick.”
This post is being published under the category “Road To Recovery.” I am, in fact, actually on the road. This is a long trip and I am super nervous about this holiday and how this is going to unfold.
Last night some stuff went down involving my Ex (we still have not spoken but there was a really intense message exchange) and I am feeling better about myself and about not being with her. For the first time since our breakup I am starting to feel that things are going to be alright. I am feeling free. There is that to be Thankful for. (There will be another post on that in several days when I get back.)
But for now, this is all about this dream challenge of mine coming straight at Yours Truly. I am on my way to go ice climbing on Mt Washington in New Hampshire. This is not my first visit to the Presidential Range but this is my first trip to Mt Washington. I have definitely overpacked and will need to repack once we arrive there. We will be spending three days and two nights on the mountain itself. I got ice tools, walking ice axe, crampons, REALLY warm sleeping bag, and ton of shit that I do not need but that makes me feel better.
I am quiet excited. I have been ice climbing for several years but this is my first mountaneering ascent. And I am starting with Mt Washington. As the saying goes “Go big or go home.” I am going BIG.
I could not have gotten here without the amazing support of the WordPress community. Some of you have chosen to honour me with awards for my blog and I promise to get to writing about that very soon. You guys are my rock and my sun. When I was down, you picked me up and carried me in the palm of your hand even as you all were dealing with your pains and your hurts. Even as you all have been struggling with darkness, you had time and grace to talk to me and care for me. I would love to do more for all of you. I love all of You, my dear readers and I look forward to doing more for You.
Forget those of you who are stumbling upon this humble blog for the first time, please allow me to recap the previous posts: depressed for about two decades, got dumped by the love of my life, went into a total meltdown, blogging anonymously as a way of getting my thoughts in order and using this as outlet, getting (A LOT OF) therapy.
Here’s a thing about being depressed for so long without anyone realising the extent of it: this requires not letting anyone in close enough to see what is going on inside me. That in turn means that there is no support, no cheering section wanting me to keep going. I have been trying to be more open with people in my life. Some of them know the extent of my issues but it will take a lot of good will to bring things to where acquaintances can grow into adult and caring friendships. Last night I had the following texting exchange with one of my improv friends:
Friend: Hi, (me).
F: How have you been since we last talked?
Me: Same. Teetering on the edge type of thing.
I had no idea what to say. How do normal adults communicate? What do they say? Where do they learn the right things to say? How do they then parlay that knowledge into forming productive adult relationships?
There are a lot of questions to answer in order for me to grow. My therapist has been advising me to take risks and go to places where people congregate so that I might perchance meet some of them. Except the therapist does not a cheer squad make. There are people who wish me to get better but they are either very busy or do not wish to get involved. I do not blame them. Or perhaps I just do not see them? Yours truly is truly a mess. What I am thankful for is the support of the wonderful WordPress community. You guys and gals have been my cheering section through the most difficult and painful period of my life.
And now I will return my attention to a funky band on stage doing Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition.”
In the words of my mind technician I am in a perpetual state of preemptive warfare. This defence mechanism, however, is a double-edged sword without a hilt. While it protects me against people disappointing me, it does absolutely nothing in terms of getting people to actually like me. Shocking, I know!
For the longest time, loneliness has been my only companion. The only person who has been able to cut through that was Her. And now She’s gone. Gone forever and I feel the loss not only of what couples normally have but also of what I never had and never knew that I wanted or could even have. She gave me so much more that I could ever have hoped for and than She left and took it all with Her.
I can never unlearn what I discovered. I cannot go back to the way I was. I feel so lost without Her.
And I still love Her.