Author Archives: Forlorn Hope

Day 70. Fighting The Tilting Ghosts.

By Posted in Road To Recovery Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

In the words of my mind technician I am in a perpetual state of preemptive warfare. This defence mechanism, however, is a double-edged sword without a hilt. While it protects me against people disappointing me, it does absolutely nothing in terms of getting people to actually like me. Shocking, I know!

For the longest time, loneliness has been my only companion. The only person who has been able to cut through that was Her. And now She’s gone. Gone forever and I feel the loss not only of what couples normally have but also of what I never had and never knew that I wanted or could even have. She gave me so much more that I could ever have hoped for and than She left and took it all with Her.

I can never unlearn what I discovered. I cannot go back to the way I was. I feel so lost without Her.

And I still love Her.

Day 69. My Dark Passenger.

By Posted in Irony, Road To Recovery Tagged , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Two nights ago, while drinking a pint of beer, I thought that I might be regaining my sense of humour. Earlier that morning I had an ironic thought. Like, is there a 12 step program to quit the power greater than me, i.e., the love of my life? Or am I just supposed to drink?

But of course therein lies the problem: this is undeniably “my” sense of humour which is rather on the dark and depressing side. I have always considered my sense of humour to be one of my greatest assets even though I have not always used it for the power of Good and have managed to alienate some people. That sense of humour based on my rather negative worldview has been my “dark passenger.” In Jeff Lindsay’s books about the serial killer named Dexter Morgan (I believe there was a mildly popular American television series based on those books as well), the protagonist refers to his inner darkness – the essence that makes him the serial killer – as Dark Passenger. We’ll my sense of humour is my dark inner essence. I wonder if it will stay…

Day 68. Living The Dream.

By Posted in Falling Apart Tagged , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Some times I think that this thing I am living through is actually just a dream, a nightmare. And I think I am going to wake up from this any second now. But, unfortunately, this is one bad dream that I won’t be waking up front. I will be dealing with hot sweats and sleepless nights for quite some time.

Day 67. A New Perspective?

By Posted in Road To Recovery Tagged , , , , , , Leave a comment

After a lot of thinking I am starting to see Her in a more realistic fashion as opposed to putting her on a pedestal. I realise now that She treated me with contempt, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration, and with disregard for my feelings. She has chosen to be angry at me for whatever it was that made Her angry rather than be my friend. She has abandoned me in my moment of direst need.

And yet, somehow, my feelings for Her are just as strong as they were three months ago.

Day 66. Trying To Stay Calm And Carry On.

By Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Love Lost Tagged , , , , , , , Leave a comment

A good day of climbing today. Did some good routes and spent some quality time with friends on the cliffs. And now, after a good meal we are sitting around the fire and chilling.

image

So why does this seem like work? Why do I feel like fleeing people that have been my friends and climbing partner’s for over five years?

So I did flee. I’m sitting in the dark and listening to the waves of the tide coming in. It is quite peaceful. And cold. (It is fucking cold even in my pants that I usually wear for ice climbing and a down jacket. The temperature sure does change a lot in the North East.) I close my eyes and for a moment things disappear. Civilisation, politics, economy, my broken heart… it all fades away.

Could the heartbreak change things for me that much? I have always enjoyed spending time with these folks. I love sitting around the campfire and tell and listen to stories. But now it is different, unbearable even.

I have no answer. Best I can do is just amble on and hope that sooner or later I will find my path.

Day 64. Weekly Photo Challenge: Good Morning! Take 2.

By Posted in Photography Tagged , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

image

Every morning, as I wake up, like a long stare directly at the sun, the thought of Her not being with me rips me up like a sun hot knife through my mind and my heart. I chase the thoughts of Her out of my mind and almost right away start feeling guilty as if, somehow, doing so would mean betraying Her.

There is no rhyme or reason to this belief. In fact, She would prefer that I forget Her out right. But I can no more loosen myself from the gilded chains of my memories of Her than I can forget about the piercing shine of the Sun in my eyes. I revel in my pain, I hold on to it because letting go of it would mean letting go of Her.

Day 63. Coming To Terms.

By Posted in Love Lost, Obsession Leave a comment

An interesting conversation with the mind technician today. I have realised some time ago that at times I could be a total prick. I’m working on it. But now I am also realising that I am still devoted to Her and somehow feel guilty for doing stuff to occupy myself in order to forget about Her. How fucked up is that?