Author Archives: Forlorn Hope

I Do Not Look For Trouble. I Know Exactly Where It Is At All Times.

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This has the potential to be the worst possible idea I have ever come up with or ever will. This week is Her Birthday. While we were together, I had been really looking forward to spoiling Her on that day with anything that she would want. Except that we are not together anymore.

One thing that has really pained me and that I cannot come to terms with is how angry and disgusted She was with me at our last conversation. I cannot move past it. I keep wondering: is she still angry? Did she completely forget me? Does she hate me?

So, I have decided to buy Her a birthday gift. Since she likes the colour blue and her eyes are green and she likes jewellery made from wood, I have decided to buy Her a pendant made from Dominican blue amber. It is not actually completely blue but rather appears to be blue or blue-green under certain conditions. Were it not for the fact that we are no longer together, this could be considered a romantic gift. It is certainly not cheap.

I do not know how She will react. She might freak out or She might decide to take it in the spirit that it is given. I truly hope it is the latter rather than the former. Either way, after this I will have known that I have done everything possible to be nice, respectful, and loving to Her.

Tinder.

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My heartbeat is racing, blood is pumping through my veins, and my hands are numb and trembling. My vision gets blurry because of…

Flashback to earlier this morning.

So this new evolution of meeting people online is the most interesting but, in a way, also the most disturbing. Couple of days ago, my roommate has introduced me to an app called Tinder. It works in conjunction with a Facebook account by getting photos, friends list, and interests. You can see that information from the other people in the app who are geographically close to you. The rest is basically “hot or not” type of thing. The people who marked each other as interesting can chat. In the “old” days,  you start talking to someone online and you don’t know if you have friends in common, if the interests specified are the real ones or just for show. This thing is like BAM! there you are.

Then again, some interests are just weird. “Oh look! We both like “name of local hardware chain of stores“.” When did I “like” it on Facebook? Why? Is that enough to form a meaningful relationship?

The thing is, I do love that chain. I was there twice just this week. But what hardware or automotive spell was I under to actually go and click the “Like” button on Facebook?

Not looking like George Clooney, nor even Daniel Craig, I do not get marked as “yes” a whole lot. Some ladies did and some of them matched with me saying “yes” in their regard. I started talking to this girl. This one girl who does want to talk to me is not only of the same nationality as the one that broke my heart but also has the same first name. Just my luck, I guess. We chat and then I feel stuck in the conversation and do not have anything to say.

Wow. I’m an adult. My friends tell me I’m an interesting guy with cool stuff going on in my life. However, I guess due to the nature of this app, I feel kinda weird. We do have a Facebook friend in common. Is that good? Is that bad? Who knows. I finally manage to ask her out for coffee. We shall see how it will turn out.

I keep playing with the app. And then I come across Her picture. Cue the freakout. My heartbeat is racing, blood is pumping through my veins, and my hands are numb and trembling. My vision gets blurry because of tears that fill my eyes. There is no way in hell that if She ever comes across my profile She would say “yes.” I mark Her as “yes” anyway and Her likeness immediately disappears from the screen.

She is gone again. And I still love Her.

Failure.

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Arguably, it was a good night. I was in a show that went really well. I came up with a few characters that enhanced the show. I played the characters that made people laugh.

And yet, all my choices were safe ones. I did not push myself. I did not live up to the spirit of improv. I felt so ashamed after the show (because I know how much everyone else pushed themselves), I could not even bring myself to stay for the following show and to go for drinks afterwards.

Anger.

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I feel it beginning as a cold furnace, brighter and colder than anything I have ever experienced. Its genesis is in the vast emptiness of my core, made hollow by the everpresent anger, and sorrow, and regret.

That little anger. That sniggering little anger. It is always there, as it has been for most of my pitiful existence. That little asshole in my head that kept whispering to me that since I’m miserable everyone around me should feel “the cold reality of the world” as well.

But now it is different. It arises like a cold blue fire, eviscerating everything in its path, boreing up through the follicles, the roots of my hairs that are being slowly turned ashen. It is now burning stronger than ever, setting my very mind on fire to the point where its fury replaces all other obsessions – great in the number though they may be. Like a vicious circle and the self fulfilling prophecy, it feeds itself at the expense of all shreds of humanity that are reduced to nothing but mere kindling. Slowly stripping away all humanity, compassion, empathy — they are rippling and fading in the cold fury of Anger, hissing impotently as if they are being taken from me by the runaway train of my own unwilling creation, a Frankenstein’s creature, come Vishnu the destroyer, the destroyer of my inner peace.

So what does it all mean? Shall it ever stop? Or rather more importantly, shall it stop before annihilating my very essence, my culture, my civility, my capacity for love? Will I ever be able to love again? Would that I even want to?

Embracing The Anger?

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I’m reading a book by standup comedian Marc Maron and just came across something that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable: “When you’re young you really think you are angry for reasons and causes. As you get older, you realise you just might be angry.”
Great. Now I have to think about this.

What It’s All About. Maybe.

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My mind technician thinks that the true source of the excruciating pain from my breakup is because of having lived without true emotional intimacy for so very long and then putting all my eggs of emotional connection need into one basket. I do not think that is what the pain is really all about. Sure, that is a part of it but what really hurts beyond hurt is the loss of hope. I would not have admitted it to anyone including myslef but deep down I knew my life was broken and needed to be fixed. So when She came along and made me feel so safe that She could quiet my worried mind with Her mere presence rather than me taking Ritalin, I fell so desperately in love. It felt that with Her in my life everything would be fixed. And the sad, sad trouth is that if She had stuck around long enough to help me open my eyes to the true nature of my issues so that I could get help, my life would have been fixed. The other part of that sad, sad truth is that had I paid more attention to what She was saying, had paid more attention to Her, she would likely still be a part of my life. There is a great deal of blame on me for the breakup.

Having left, She not only took Herself out of my life, She took my hope and my dreams with Her. It feels so empty and so cold now.

And I still love Her.

Confusion.

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I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams

When Genesis wrote this song they were not talking about my situation. But in many ways it still applies. I have been living in the Land of Confusion for the past 6? 7? 8 months? Considering how things turned out I have clearly been the one in the dark since before the breakup. Since the breakup though, I have really understood what it means to live through those thousand dreams and million screams. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes. Other times, it hits me like a tank during the days. I want to scream so hard that my vocal cords are ripped out by the force of the escaping air. There does not seem to be an end to this despair. I know there are others struggling with the same questions but it makes not my burden any less crushing.

And not much love to go round
Can’t you see
This is a land of confusion.

In this case, my problem is quite the opposite: there is way too much love. It fills me to the brink and it has nowhere to go for She is not with me. I think of Her and my eyes fill with tears. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Bullshit! How could that possibly be true?! How could that pain be worth anything?! How could running out of the office to escape in the bathroom and collapse on the floor hyperventilating and crying be worth anything?!

The refrain of the song represents which direction I need to choose. Though lacking in ability to see where to go, or the strength to continue for much longer, or the belief that the world without Her is not the one worth living in, let’s hope that one day I will be able to get better.

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we’re given
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

Amen to that.

Adrift.

By Posted in Love Lost 1 Comment

It was a good night. A bunch of friends came over to spend time with me and play Cards Against Humanity – a favourite of Yours Truly. Over the course of the night, as I was posting an occasional picture to Instagram, the number of my followers has gone down. It was clear right away but I looked anyway. Following each other on Instagram was our last, however tenuous, link to each other. This is it. I expected it to happen sooner or later but now that it did I cannot stop thinking about it. Why? Why now? Although I am fairly active, there was very rarely anything from her in my feed. We were not commenting nor “liking” each other’s photos. Why? I know the answer but it hurts too much to even consider it. This was our last link – my last lifeline. I am now adrift and powerless. And I still love Her.