Confusion.

I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams

When Genesis wrote this song they were not talking about my situation. But in many ways it still applies. I have been living in the Land of Confusion for the past 6? 7? 8 months? Considering how things turned out I have clearly been the one in the dark since before the breakup. Since the breakup though, I have really understood what it means to live through those thousand dreams and million screams. I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes. Other times, it hits me like a tank during the days. I want to scream so hard that my vocal cords are ripped out by the force of the escaping air. There does not seem to be an end to this despair. I know there are others struggling with the same questions but it makes not my burden any less crushing.

And not much love to go round
Can’t you see
This is a land of confusion.

In this case, my problem is quite the opposite: there is way too much love. It fills me to the brink and it has nowhere to go for She is not with me. I think of Her and my eyes fill with tears. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Bullshit! How could that possibly be true?! How could that pain be worth anything?! How could running out of the office to escape in the bathroom and collapse on the floor hyperventilating and crying be worth anything?!

The refrain of the song represents which direction I need to choose. Though lacking in ability to see where to go, or the strength to continue for much longer, or the belief that the world without Her is not the one worth living in, let’s hope that one day I will be able to get better.

This is the world we live in
And these are the hands we’re given
Use them and let’s start trying
To make it a place worth living in.

Amen to that.

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5 thoughts on “Confusion.

  1. Pingback: Complete and utter confusion… | Life as a country bumpkin...not a city girl

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  4. Wow, man. I can still see that Ronald Reagan puppet running around in the Superman cape in that video. That song came out when I was really young, and I thought the video was creepy and never really gave much thought to the lyrics. Your post makes me think, and brings that song pounding back in my head. Have hope. I’ve been there and it is so dark. I never would have thought life would have brightened, but then one day it does. I wish you well.

  5. Pingback: Surfer Rob’s overactive, timid beastie | Rob's Surf Report

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