Author Archives: Forlorn Hope

Me Like Me Long Time?

By Posted in Anxiety, Road To Recovery Tagged , , , , , 5 Comments

It is hard to remember sometimes (most of the time) that there are people in this world that like me and that are happy to see me. There are not a great many of them due to my natural propensity to be a miserable prick but I am working on learning to like myself. (That is something that came up in therapy a couple of sessions ago.) The idea being that being able to like myself will show others that I am a person worth their friendship.

In the meantime, I am practicing being that person, meaning that I am faking it.  Regardless of how far I have come, Yours Truly is still mainly the same person. So until I can “know” that I am better than I think I am (that is a lot of “I’s”!), there is this practice period of pretending to know that I am a person I actually am. It is complicated. My mind technician assures me that it makes sense.

That noise – you know the one – the general din of a group of people in a bar, the sound of billiards balls hitting each other, the white noise of a sport event on the big screen. And over it all the inner voice reminding of all the reasons why I should leave and go home. So here I am – procrastinating – instead of going to the birthday party for my friends because social occasions still cause me tremendous anxiety and feeling of pointlessness because the future old me does not believe to be the person worth anyone’s company.

Oh, well. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.”

Boldly Forging Ahead.

By Posted in Road To Recovery Tagged , , , , 2 Comments

I am at a Christmas party of a local climbing and mountaneering group that I have recently joined. There are exactly zero familiar faces here. One senses this is going to be a rather anxiety filled evening since I am still not drinking.

Where To Go?

By Posted in Road To Recovery Leave a comment

My mind technician asked me where I wanted to be (emotionally and psychologically speaking) one to two years from now. It is an easy answer. My primary goal is if my name comes up in a conversation, I want people to think “That guy – he’s a pleasure to be around” instead of “That guy – he’s a sarcastic dick.”

Love Letter #8. The Final Cut.

By Posted in Love Lost Tagged , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Dear I.,

Happy birthday! I realise that in Your response to me to my message following our breakup, You have told me to stay away and not contact You. For the last four months I have done just that and, unless at some future date both of are able and willing to change that status quo, will continue to honour Your wish, save for this one occasion of your 29th birthday.

If You have not by now, shortly You will receive a gift that I had posted to you few days ago from a store in the Dominican Republic. I remember Your preference for colour blue and wooden jewellery. Add to that the colour of Your eyes and I think the Dominican blue-green amber would fit You quite nicely.

It is my sincerest hope that You will accept that gift in the spirit that it is given. It pains me deeply to know that our post-breakup communication has caused You to be so incredibly angry with me so as to cut off all lines of communication. Please believe me when I say that it was never my intention to upset You or cause You pain or discomfort, nor do I wish that Your last memory of me be such a negative one. For the all too short a time that we were together, You have given me such happiness and a feeling of peace. You have made me believe that my life needs not be one of misery and despair. You gave me hope when I had none, nor knew what one felt like. And for that I will be eternally grateful to You.

Goodbye (perhaps?), I. I miss You dearly.

Love,
YT.

New Beginnings?

By Posted in Road To Recovery Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

This post is being published under the category “Road To Recovery.” I am, in fact, actually on the road. This is a long trip and I am super nervous about this holiday and how this is going to unfold.

Last night some stuff went down involving my Ex (we still have not spoken but there was a really intense message exchange) and I am feeling better about myself and about not being with her. For the first time since our breakup I am starting to feel that things are going to be alright. I am feeling free. There is that to be Thankful for. (There will be another post on that in several days when I get back.)

But for now, this is all about this dream challenge of mine coming straight at Yours Truly. I am on my way to go ice climbing on Mt Washington in New Hampshire. This is not my first visit to the Presidential Range but this is my first trip to Mt Washington. I have definitely overpacked and will need to repack once we arrive there. We will be spending three days and two nights on the mountain itself. I got ice tools, walking ice axe, crampons, REALLY warm sleeping bag, and ton of shit that I do not need but that makes me feel better.

I am quiet excited. I have been ice climbing for several years but this is my first mountaneering ascent. And I am starting with Mt Washington. As the saying goes “Go big or go home.” I am going BIG.

I could not have gotten here without the amazing support of the WordPress community. Some of you have chosen to honour me with awards for my blog and I promise to get to writing about that very soon. You guys are my rock and my sun. When I was down, you picked me up and carried me in the palm of your hand even as you all were dealing with your pains and your hurts. Even as you all have been struggling with darkness, you had time and grace to talk to me and care for me. I would love to do more for all of you. I love all of You, my dear readers and I look forward to doing more for You.

All The Difference.

By Posted in Writing Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

It is helpful to be able to express my feelings and share them immediately. This community has been very supportive and inspiring. More so than many realise.

The way I personally chose to go about blogging is to do it as anonymously as possible. It gives me freedom to be as honest and open as possible without fear of judgement spilling into my offline world.

This right here, is – for me – the difference between putting down in writing my inner struggles and being too dead to do so.

Regrets.

By Posted in Love Lost, Obsession 2 Comments

The weekend before last, I wrote about feeling lost because She has unfollowed and blocked me on Instagram. Yesterday, I believe it became clear-er why she did that. From some things that were said here and there, it would seem that she was rather upset seeing me relaxing with my friends and playing Cards Against Humanity enough that She, being impulsive, decided to take that out of her feed. Apparently, She misses hanging out and having fun with me. Well… Isn’t that something 7