Love Letter #7.

It has been so long since You have left me… In the strife to keep busy and getting my mind occupied so as to not think of you, I am loosing track of days. Yet the memories of You still burn ever so brightly. Not a day goes by that my heart does not get crunched by the wistful vise of despair and loneliness. Even on a day like yesterday, when I should feel happy and proud for having achieved an important milestone, what I am confronted with is the realisation that the success means nothing without being able to share it with You. I miss our closeness, the comfort and peace I felt when I was with you. I miss being able to talk to you about anything.

You are certainly forgetting me more and more every day or, perhaps, you have completely shrugged off all memories of our time together, of me. You are leaving our time behind further with every second that passes yet those same seconds are excruciating to me because I still live in those memories, I have not moved on nor do I see a way to do it. And every day the realisation that on this day you are slipping away just a little bit further feels like a ice cold thrust of pain through my heart.

I need You in my life, my dearest girl! My therapist insists that it is not You I miss but rather the emotional intimacy that I thought we shared. He is wrong. I do miss that feeling of oneness I felt with You but I do miss You.

I miss you so, so much and I love you still.

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2 thoughts on “Love Letter #7.

  1. I realize the depths of your pain. I would imagine few people could fathom the INTENSITY of your emotions. So many people break up, call it a loss and are quite willing to jump to the next best thing. You are identical to me in how you feel. Personally, I don’t want to let go and move on. I don’t know why, except that I had no doubts about the relationship and trusted too easily, only to be betrayed in a most vicious way. (I learned of his new girlfriend while reading her comments to him on Instagram!) Also, I was quite pregnant with his baby. All I ever wanted was a family. I grew up lonely as hell and I finally met the guy who I would create my own family with. But I was lied to, ridiculed, gossiped about, disrespected and tossed aside. I must maintain contact with this man for 18 yrs. He has a new little family with the twat (who happens to earn 6 figures). He lives with her, her two sons and his son from a previous marriage.

    The thing is, that was my life. That was supposed to have been my life. But I feel as if it was stolen. I was shoved aside for being mentally ill and for being unable to stroke his pathetic little ego. He found someone more competent, someone who is employeed with a very high income, someone with her own home and car and money to go and blow. He chose to be with a woman who blatantly disrespected me (the mother of his precious baby girl). He readily defends her and my feelings are shit because I’m PSYCHO.

    I’ve made this way too long! The reason my pain is so unbearable and brutal is that once a month, I send my daughter off to visit him and that sorry c*nt. She plays mommy to my 1 yr old child. Playing house. It’s all rainbows and butterflies to them, but to me, I’m the outsider looking in. I see it. I desperately wanted that life, but that life was snatched by a silly little bitch who knowingly involved her sorry self with a highly unavailable man. Mind you, he played his filthy part.

    Anyway, as an only child who was isolated much of the time, who was never able to keep friends because I moved 20 times, a kid who spent an excess of time with elderly grandparents while my mom galavanted around trying to find some man to make her happy, I resolved to create a family of cohesion, love and stability. Now, when my baby child leaves, I curl up in bed, in a fetal position, and sob wretched, deep, exrutiating sobs. I know she is with the happy little family, and I am allowed no part in it.

    I placed my hopes on 1 human being. I trusted too soon and believed everything that he uttered. Now, I never want another relationship. The pain absorbs me and makes me suicidal. I won’t expose myself to that again. The silly thing is that I believe if I cry hard enough and experience the unbearable fact that I am powerless over this bullshit for a long enough period of time, he’ll return to me. And that is ridiculous. I could never be with a man with the character of Charlie Sheen. But the dream and hope remains alive and well, I cannot turn the feelings off and because monthly, Imam confronted with the cold, heartless rejection. And he doesn’t care about me. If I became homeless or if my mother died, “I’m sorry” is all I would get. And that breaks my mother fucking heart. I simply can’t let go and move on!

    Sorry so long. I don’t have a support system so I chatter with my iPad.

    • No post is too long if it comes from your heart. I come from a broken family as well.
      Here’s a thing that I learned from life. You need to be true to yourself and not be ashamed of your feelings. You are not a psycho and if he, or anyone else, thinks that than that betrays his smallmindedness and pettiness.
      And most importantly, as badly as you feel and as much as you may resent your ex and his new family, you are going to have to fake happiness and acceptance in front of your daughter. As much as you might want her to know the horrible truth about what happened to you, it won’t work the way you would want. It will not validate your pain, she will not hate her father, she will not resent his family and her half-siblings because of how you have been treated. My parents hate each other and I was always in the middle of their bickering by proxy. Me being the proxy. They have been divorced for over three decades and they live thousands of miles away from each other. And yet, if they found themselves on the same phone line, the wires would probably melt. Three decades after splitting up they still bitch at each other to me. That is one of the primary reasons for being so screwed up mentally.
      You will also have to hide, at least until she grows up the extent of your depression and unhappiness, you will have to hide your tears. Children do not have the conceptual capacity to comprehend those things and if your daughter sees your unhappiness and her father’s happy family, she will gravitate towards them. So for the sake of your little girl, your toughest, toughest job will be to show her happiness and live, even towards your ex.
      I do not envy the road ahead of you. The comment you wrote on my post is powerful and strong. If you have not yet, you should start a blog about your perspective. This can be a place where you can say things to your daughter that you cannot say to her in life. Most importantly, this can be helpful to your child, when she grows up, to see your writings and understand you better. She will respect and love you all the more for putting her first to create a family environment free of hate, gloom, and resentment. I wish you well and look forward to reading your thoughts and reflections on your life.

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