Day 20. Common Courtesy.

Last night I dreamt that I was married to Her and we had babies. We were happy. (Especially disturbing since I am not that fond of babies or children in real life.) Let’s just say it’s a good thing I do not keep a gun in the house.

A thought has occurred to me yesterday but it didn’t really sink in until this morning. “At some point, survival becomes more of a social obligation than anything else.” What about my family? Who is going to take care of them in their old age? What will happen at work? I got a show scheduled. Who will replace me? What about my flatmates? Are they going to have to clean up that mess? How much having my room as a crime scene is going to cost them in unpaid rent? How much extra rent will they have to pay looking for a new flatmate? Will the gun blast wake up the neighbours? This is when having ADD and its consequent millions of thoughts rushing through my mind is a good thing.

Keep On Keeping On.

They call it stormy Monday but Tuesday’s just as bad
Wednesday’s worse and Thursday’s also sad

– T-Bone Walker, “Call It Stormy Monday” (1947)

Monday mornings. They are never easy. After two and a half weeks of not having to wake up early to go to the office, it is especially difficult to get going.

This morning I was rather horrified also to discover that there seem to be far more grey hairs on my head than there were a month ago. Have I not noticed them before or has the stress of recent events caused that? It is, unfortunately, a possibility. My inner state these days can easily be described as highly agitated and stressed.

How long can I keep going like this? I have only had two therapy sessions but I am already wondering whether I need to ask if SSRI’s are right for me. As much as I yearn for an emotional relief, I am apprehensive about mixing Methylphenidate with an SSRI. Is pot a legitimate alternative?

For the first time in years I’m getting heart palpitations and irregular heartbeats. I haven’t had to endure that since before I was diagnosed with ADHD-PI and started on Methylphenidate (Ritalin). It used to help control depression and anxiety as by-products of ADHD-PI but somehow this is no longer enough.

For the sake of myself and those around me I have got to figure out a way to want to live and to figure out how to forget the woman I love.