A good day of climbing today. Did some good routes and spent some quality time with friends on the cliffs. And now, after a good meal we are sitting around the fire and chilling.
So why does this seem like work? Why do I feel like fleeing people that have been my friends and climbing partner’s for over five years?
So I did flee. I’m sitting in the dark and listening to the waves of the tide coming in. It is quite peaceful. And cold. (It is fucking cold even in my pants that I usually wear for ice climbing and a down jacket. The temperature sure does change a lot in the North East.) I close my eyes and for a moment things disappear. Civilisation, politics, economy, my broken heart… it all fades away.
Could the heartbreak change things for me that much? I have always enjoyed spending time with these folks. I love sitting around the campfire and tell and listen to stories. But now it is different, unbearable even.
I have no answer. Best I can do is just amble on and hope that sooner or later I will find my path.
And so starts a week of being busy every waking hour. My hope is that I will be too busy to think about Her.
I will try to keep posting if only to make status updates.
I may not have high hopes but I will be OK if my simple hopes of making it through the next two weeks without being constantly miserable will come true.
I am OK.
I breathe easy.
What’s done is done and it is in the past.
This is a temporary feeling and it is passing.
On the advice of my mind technician, I am supposed to repeat this mantra every time I have an anxiety attack. So far they (the mantra repetitions) work on the physiological level. My heartbeat slows down and gets back to normal but the emotional darkness remains. Though the attack has passed, the thoughts that triggered it are still weighing heavily upon my soul. My soul yearns for You, my darling. It wants to tear out of my chest and fly to You! I have been away from You for over two months and the pain of our separation is just as unbearable now as it was then. Everyone is telling me to move on and to find someone new but as much I try to look at other women, none compare to You. How can I move on if that means letting go of Your memory?
I am not ready. And I still love You.
This is the last calm weekend for a while. Starting Tuesday, my life will become a whirlwind of photography, improv, more photography, etc. I am hoping to score some gigs; even if they are unpaid, it is fine as I am being paid in access, opportunities, and waved cover charges.
I am hoping not to forget to keep making the posts but I might. Peace out.
This morning my mind treated me to another panic attack. Like a broken record my mind goes back to my emotional wound and starts picking on it. I had to run to the bathroom out of sight of my colleagues. Why did I have to fall in love?
Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not confused in my feelings that preoccupy me the most. I am in love. I am in love with someone who does not want me. Someone who asked me not to contact her ever again. I know what I want the most. And that is something I can never have.
What I am not so clear about is where to go from here. How am I supposed to live if the one person I want to live for does not care if I live or die?
I miss her but I know I will never hold her in my arms again.
Why did I have to fall in love?
It feels like I’m thousand years old. Can barely type due to tendinitis in my right wrist. Can barely walk due to a knee injury from the weekend’s hike. Can’t turn my head to the right because a nerve is pinched or the muscle is inflamed (or something entirely different is going on) in my neck.
Having trouble typing due to tendinitis flareup. Last time I had this problem I lost the love of my life. What’s in store for me now?
Having suffered a knee injury yesterday, I find myself unable to climb or hike today. This injury is bringing up a lot of memories; there’s the memory of me being sick and being cared for by You; there’s a memory of me being injured and You going to climb without me and meeting the other guy.
I guess the word of the day is anxiety. My thoughts are racing. I wonder what You are up to now. I wonder if you are smiling and squinting Your eyes the way that made my heart melt.
I miss You so much my darling. And I still love You.
Hello My Dearest,
It would seem to be my destiny to fly like a moth to the flame of Your memory. What should have been a pleasing occasion – going away for a weekend getaway in the mountains – turned into a lower level panic attack that lasted several hours. The only things on my mind were my deep feelings for You and how much I miss You. I see You in my mind’s eye always laughing or smiling. When I am hiking on a mountain, when I am walking through city streets, when I am in my car, I see You there beside me.
Throughout all of my tribulations, emotional ups and downs (mostly downs) these last several weeks, the one thing that remained constant is my love for you. I think of holding You tightly. I think of kissing Your lips and caressing Your skin. Like a migrating bird fixing onto a magnetic heading, my mind is fixed firmly upon You. Like a spawning salmon swimming against the stream, possessed by a single-minded desire, I think of You. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that goes through my mind as I fall asleep. You are my guiding star. You make me want to be a better man and it kills my very spirit that You do not want to see me get better for You do not want to see me at all. In the end, there will be no prize for me at the end of this journey. My girl will never be waiting for me to make it through. I am so utterly alone without your warm kindness by my side. I will always remember You.
And I still love You.
I’m having trouble concentrating. Although this should be a happy morning, the reality seems to be leaving a lot to be desired. I am invited to a BBQ at my old climbing partner’s and long time friend’s house. Normally free food makes me giddy but somehow today it has lost its allure. Later on I will be going to the theatre to try to get back into improv. I took time away from it for a few weeks to try to get some perspective.
There’s a maelstrom of “what if’s” and “if only’s” swirling around in my mind. I turn around onto my stomach and put the pillow under my chest for more comfort.
The time stops.
Somehow surviving the washing machine or maybe coming off something else a single strand of Her hair is laying on my bed sheets.
My heart starts beating harder and harder and it becomes difficult to breathe and to keep typing this post. My mind is burning up with sorrow.
What do I do? I know I will not just get rid of it. I can’t!!!
What if… If only…
I don’t know anything any more.