Day 18. I Think Of You. (Letter #4.)

I listen to music and I think of you.
I walk in the streets and my feet keep taking me to you.
I run away but my mind stays.
I take to a new road, one to take me away from you.
When I look at the road ahead, all I see is a hopelessness with your face appearing through the fog.
When I run back, there’s nothing but a a memory of you, full of pain.
So I stop here that is nowhere.
I fall to my knees and scream into the void.
I search for you with my mind but all I find is more pain.
I try to eat but food has lost its taste.
I try to drink but instead of sweet release your image shines brighter in my mind. It gains in power and its brightness sears your face deeper into the recesses of my id.
I scream to the heavens to take me but my darkness, my everpresent darkness keeps dragging me down.
I am hellbound and I welcome the prospect of new pain, different paid, for it will surely distract me from the pain of your memory.
I reach for a blade, for the pills, for the booze but nothing can free me. I am locked in the prison that is your memory. I am dying, locked forever in the bottomless pit of its darkest dungeon.
I am yours and yours alone, my love.
I am nothing to you and it kills me slowly. And yet it is as though I am being kept alive.
I become a spectre, a mere apparition devoid of matter for my substance has been burned away.
I hear happy sounds of brass Instruments. A small orchestra is singing of hope in the key of major. But my life is stuck in minor for there is no hope for me.
My heart starts beating harder bringing fresh memory of you. It is trying to burst out of my aching chest.
Alas. It beats in vain. I live in vain. I am alive yet dead. I am no more.


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