Depression is a Silent partner. It retreats to the dark corner where it probably sits by itself, face glued to a smartphone. It is socially awkward AF. It is also silently, sneakily poisoning you and everything you do and feel. And because it is silent, no one around you can hear it. They don’t notice it. They see just you and they don’t like what they see. They attribute the unlikeability to you for they do not see the silent partner. Or do they dislike you? Is it the silent partner that is making you think that? You march over to the dark corner – where it is sitting, face glued to the phone – to demand some answers! But the air is thick and murky, your feet feel heavy and tired, so you sit down and think “Not now. Maybe later.”. And you are both silent.
It has been a long time since the last post. There was improvement. Then things got worse. Then better again. Slowly, overall, things have improved. The need to share, to post has waned. Every year, around the anniversary of the breakup and around her birthday, the feeling of hopelessness, of despair would return. Except the breakup anniversary this year went by with nary a thought of her, save for realisation that there was nothing but contentment and the usual darkness had not enveloped me as it did the years before.
And yet, here we are. Despite other relationships, despite all the progress, the thoughts of Her have permeated my vary being these past few weeks. Why? Why now? Why still? Life has been getting better! There’s someone who really likes me and respects me. And She is in a relationship as well.
Couple of years ago we have reconnected and would occasionally hang out. She had broken up with a boyfriend and was probably feeling lonely and decided to contact me. We did not spend a lot of time together but we would go to shows or get a drink every now and then. All my friends were vehemently against it but even that <a href="Meager“>meager presence of her in my life was enough. It was better than nothing!
But for the last half a year or so She has been gone from my life again. And that still hurts. It shouldn’t but it does. I wish it didn’t but it does. I wish the pain would stop but on and on it goes…